There is a good sort of slow motion living and a bad. When you are in a groove of the good sort you are able to savor little moments, you can reflect on the past and look to the future with perspective and grace. It's a place where you can let go of a lot of guilt and pressure and just BE. But the other kind of slow motion is the stuff of nightmares: of always running but never moving, of falling suspended like Alice while the wonderland of your life spins and whirls around you, the feeling of a body made of honey with no ability to pull your stretching limbs and your oozing brain together, no control over where and when you flow. In that slow motion place your children dance and race around you and choices bombard you and you are plowing through your day like trying to run underwater.
Lately I feel like I have been bouncing back and forth between these two places like a paddle ball: stretching out to suspended freedom and then slamming back into a wall of frustration, disorganization and discontent. For a few days I feel I am doing the best I can with what I have, but then I become acutely aware that something is missing. Spiritually, emotionally, socially. I feel heavy hearted, unmotivated, burdened by the "what ifs." I feel constantly on overload, not necessarily from activity, but from STUFF. I feel like there are too many choices around me, too many ways to spend my time, too many thoughts to prioritize, too many places to spend my money. I want to have less toys, less waste, less clutter, less tv, less computer, less impact on the planet. I want to have more flowers, more books, more dinners with friends. I want to have better connections spiritually, emotionally, socially. Instead I find myself torn in a million directions but never going anywhere, always doing but never getting done, unfocused, undisciplined, unfulfilled. I feel guilt when I don't live up to my ideals. I feel guilt when I spend more money in an effort to do so. I have a zillion and one ideas swimming around in my head at any given moment, but can rarely tack one down in a tangible way. I feel overwhelmed by possessions, but lack a clear plan to clear out the clutter. When I do, more comes in. There are days I wish I could just shut it all off and hide.
Today is one of those days.
I want so badly for my life to be in sync. To enjoy the rhythm and the pace, whether they are fast or slow. To have clarity about my choices and regain a passion for everyday living. I want peace.