I am unhappy with myself. Not in a 13 year old girl's "I have zits and no boobs and a big butt sort of way." More in a 33 year old's "I have zits and no boobs and a big butt sort of way." Kidding. I do have those things, but it isn't why I am self-disgruntled. Diary, I am totally unhappy with the way I do my job. Maybe the gray days are getting to me. Maybe the fact that I seem to be surrounded in gray and brown and blue even when the sun is shining is getting to me. Maybe I am feeling a bit of cabin fever, but the fact of the matter is that I am disorganized, undisciplined, and way more of a dreamer than a doer. I'd like to say that what I lack in orderliness, I make up for in spunk and determination and creativity. It just isn't true. I flounder through my days, some better than others, and at the end feel tired and dissatisfied. I am not a bad mother or a bad person, I am just a terrible homemaker.
I think I am back in 3rd grade. All the girls have formed a "we're on the ball" club, but I am not invited to join. There is a secret to getting in the club, but I don't know it and no matter how many passwords or handshakes I try, or no matter how many entrance essays I pen, something isn't quite right.
Or maybe I am a juggler. I think every mother is, so that makes sense. Only I can't keep my balls in the air. I think I spend all my time chasing the ones I've dropped, only to find the couple I thought I managed to keep going gone as well. Oh drat, I was SURE I could keep laundry and the kitchen spinning just fine in my left hand while I crawled about on the floor desperately trying to figure out where the "Kids Listening" ball went and how to pull the "Library Due Date" ball out from under the dirty fridge.
Perhaps I am a Postman. No, I think I am a
I'm feeling rather funny and I don't know what I
(Oh, sorry. I get distracted. Odd how a person like me could feel topsy-turvy....)
The worst of it all, Diary, is that I am fully aware that very few people have this stuff together. I get that, but I STILL delude myself into thinking I am going to figure out how to be one of those people. Oh? What's that Diary? People who fall into this category tend not to have three strong willed, small children? They don't waste their time on the computer? They don't decide to start babysitting another child to make a few bucks?
Where did I drop that "Happy Medium" ball?
Maybe I should look for the "Chill Out" ball instead.
*randomly quoting A.A.Milne's "Busy"