Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Quick Pause for Reflection

Whew!  I guess it is only Tuesday, but I feel like it has been a week since I posted.  Just taking a quick moment to write down some of my scattered thoughts from the past several days.  Recently I have been reflecting on what it is that is keeping me from feeling good.  I think, in general, I am happy.  I am happy with my life, but I don't always feel happy and I often struggle over things that do not need to be a struggle.  While understanding that I can't necessarily change this about myself, what I can change is what I choose to do when those feelings come.  I have compiled a short list of the things I think are making me feel crummy about my life:

1.  I do not exercise.  No, I am not a couch potato and am certainly active keeping up with my kids, but I don't REALLY exercise anymore.  I know from past experience that being fit (and maybe a little more buff!) really does do a lot for a sense of well-being.

2.  I probably do not drink enough water.  My body feels old.  I just think maybe more hydration would help?

3.  Finances.  Currently, not a lot I can do here, but I can try to focus on the positives (of which there are many) and keep putting one foot in front of the other instead of saying "woe is me."

4.  I have no regular time or practice (other that sunday mornings) devoted to my spiritual health.  This I KNOW I need.  Why oh why is this one of the hardest things for me to take time for and to focus on?  

5.  My greatest fear is that I will not be a good mother.  Not that my kids will not perceive me as a good mother, but that I will fail to teach them what I should, to discipline where I should, to relax where I should, in short that I will just mess up this hugely important gift of a job. Lately, because of some of the boys' actions and some of my reactions to those actions and some of my own actions, I just feel like I am not handling all of this the way I ought to be.

I guess that last one gets to the heart of it.  Mostly I am feeling as though my "unhappiness" is largely related to my inability to discipline myself in several areas and to prioritize at any given moment.  I think I have mentioned that multitasking is VERY hard for me, so I think that the ability to prioritize on the fly is something I very much need to develop.  Anyway, all this to say that I imagine none of you are really very interested in my quite possible need for a glass of water, but I am in the process of trying to remedy some of these areas of my life and am trying to figure out how to still fit in a small job, errands and a bit of time for me, while juggling the three ring circus that is my babes.  I really will do my best to be posting and I want to stick to my previous commitment to wed/fri formula postings.  Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me in doing this and comes back to check me exercising my chops in everything from writing to cooking (or lack thereof).  I'm still here.  Heck, I'll be here tomorrow with some pics and maybe I'll have my life all sorted out by Thursday and will start posting religiously.  (insert canned laughter here).  But just in case I don't......

And, somehow it just feels good to write it in black and white, doesn't it?  


tamoore48 said...

As with the rest of life, it's not about being perfect, and you have great role models that will frankly mold your default behaviors with your kids, and I think you also know some negative role models that you want to avoid. So, you have a plan, even if it's not a conscious one, and if you don't always hit it on target, recognizing that and trying to figure out where it went astray so you can stop it next time is all you can really do, and is more than a lot of people do.

Plus, there are plenty of kids out there that turn out just fine despite crappy parenting, so even if you're less than perfect (perfection only happens in the Brady, Cleaver, and Huxtable households), the kids will grow up knowing that they're loved, with their own positive role models, and really, that's all it takes, at the heart of it.

ninimakes said...

Parenthood is hard every which way you look at it!
Whenever I'm feeling a bit low I force myself outside for a walk. Long or short, it doesn't matter. Focusing on nature and breathing fresh air perks my spirits right up.
Don't attempt a calorie burning exercise session, just get out and walk and if you feel up to it quicken your pace - once you get out you'll be glad you did :)