Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Conspiracy Theory

A few weeks ago I had some blood tests run. I've been feeling so worn out lately and there is a family history of thyroid problems, so my doctor and I decide to test for that and some possible vitamin deficiencies just in case.


"Trouble" is, everything came back perfectly normal.
It has to be stress.
And here's my theory: I am almost entirely certain that my children have plotted against me. They've managed to have a pow-wow and all agreed. If possible, gang up on her, but otherwise make it a top priority that one shall induce unrelenting stress upon her AT ALL WAKING MOMENTS. Refuse to get dressed. Scream about your dinner. Say no to the shower and all other requests for hygiene. Call her names. Strip at inopportune times. Tell her it's her fault. Spill the milk. Whine. Do not pick up. When asked to pick up, make excuses. Make every possible request, even when eventually fulfilled (so as to avoid losing Game Boy time or a similarly horrifying discipline), take as long as humanly possible. Have a tantrum when you don't get what you want. Find a way to complain about it when you do. Ask her to do something for you only after she sits down. Then, and ONLY then, ask nicely so she feels guilty if she doesn't comply. Confuse her when making requests so as to reduce the chance of her managing the request properly. Spit. Talk simultaneously and VERY loudly. Lose your lovey just before bedtime. Lie. Throw things. Draw on everything except paper. Stick your half eaten lollipop to the couch pillows. Fight about who gets to pray at dinner. When all else fails, cry.


I know this all looks suspiciously like three cases of small children; but I know my kids. They're too smart to succumb to these normal childhood issues. Some would call it childishness, but I call it

conspiracy.

7 comments:

nicola@which name? said...

crap. i suffer from whatever it is, too. dang kids.
your photos are stunning, elissa.
and does it make you feel better to know that, finally, i was headed to bed early last night (sooo tired), when lala started puking. puked all night (so much for sleep, plus my washing machine is screaming for mercy), so couldn't go to school today, but of course, is now fine. then mike started puking. he's home and miserable. and i just hope i don't get it, because there's never anyone to cover for mamma, is there?!
too bad we don't live closer. we could trade (when mine are healthy). they always behave better for everyone else!
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

Theresa said...

Poor Liss! It really sounds like you need a sitter for a bit... I'd willingly comply (or finagle Mike into doing it while you and I went somewhere!). Dang distance and lack of tesseract technology...

Melissa Crowe said...

Okay, I'm totally sorry about your stress and tiredness, but I'm really here to say that this is a fantastic piece of writing!

Patty T said...

Yup, yup, yup, I have to say I feel quite the same most of the time! Funny thing is my mom said she went to the Dr in her 30's as well for similar things and he told her it was stress. I think she was telling me this so I'd stop complaining...we also have a history of thyroid issues and I also had tests done, which came out normal. I've recently been experiencing headaches for about 11 days. I told my hubby I think I needed to go away from the kids for a few days. He suggested I take more Advil and go see the chiropractor again. I like my idea better...

Feather said...

is that what's happening to me? shoot! i've been totally underestimating my children!

UK lass in US said...

It might well be a national conspiracy. Hmm, maybe there's subliminal messaging being broadcast through Curious George or something...

If it's any consolation, so far my kids have missed out on a birthday party and a trip to the cinema with grandpa. Why? Because they still have not tidied their rooms. Seriously - they are willing to give up all these treats rather than spend an hour picking up. I don't get it. Halloween might be the next treat to go...

Dana said...

Dang! I was reading and getting hopeful that you and your doctor had found a cure for the same chronic thing I suffer from.

Hang tough!