Thursday, May 3, 2012

Ups and Downs

I used to feel like a bit of a real blogger. A bit of a writer. A bit of a crafter. A bit of a photographer. I felt plugged in to this community and it was pretty cool. I liked knowing that others thought I had something worthwhile to say. I liked being published, even if I was my own publisher.

Lately I don't feel like I have as much time to be creative, in any form. I feel like a mother and a friend and a housekeeper. I feel like the household Office Manager, the Social Director and the laundry maid all rolled into one. How did I even find the time for this space before? Just keeping my kids belly's full and their bodies clothed feels like a full time job!

I suppose this is all the ebb and flow of life. Sometimes I miss it here and sometimes I could care less. I still have a little dream, tucked in my back pocket, that I might make a little cash being creative... someday. And there are a few of you out there I've made some real friendships with... I'd hate to miss out on you. So, no, I'm not going anywhere. Not really. But clearly I am here less.

Still, in the past year, I've been fighting a slight case of The Slumps. And, as Dr. Seuss noted "unslumping oneself is not easily done." I've been here before, but why now? Things are really pretty okay. Is it because I have been repressing my more creative outlets for the more mundane duties that drive our days? Is it lack of a true job and worry about how that will play out next year? Is it the constant chaos I seem to be surrounded by, even when I feel like I've barely sat down all day? Is it my stupid hair that I paid to have highlighted last month but already has awful roots because it grows like a weed and I already think I should color it again but I am mad because I don't want to color over the highlights yet? Speaking of weeds... is it the hideous weed and moss and mole infested sand pit desert that is my entire yard? I digress and the kids don't care.  It's perfect for building fake fires and tearing holes in your pants.

Clearly, I have some things gnawing at the edge of my brain and emotions. Luckily or unluckily, most days I don't feel I have much time to dwell on them.  And rather like my insides, the outside has had it's own ups and downs.  This was my back yard last week.  How many pictures can I take of this tree??

Maybe not enough.  We lost one bigish branch.  And later in the day (through my window because it was hailing) I noticed this giant crack running along the branch the kids use to get up into the tree.  Hoping it isn't the beginning of the end of this lovely maple.  It is the only nice thing currently in my back yard.

And after the tree got me down and a whole lot of my own nonsense, I decided to pull up my bootstraps and make something.  Something small I've been saying I would do since September!  I pulled my sewing machine out of the jumbled (yes, again) back room and put it in my bedroom.  I had the kids pick fabric and I made them little wallets.

Calvin had one before.  He used it to bring lunch money to school but something happened to it.  And I had been telling Tate all year I would make him one.  Really, something akin to a 20 minute project and I just couldn't motivate myself to do it.  So they all got one.

Man, did it feel good.  So simple and so satisfying.  I did something.  It was fun.  It stayed done.  SO MUCH better than laundry and dishes.  Why have I been depriving myself of this feeling?  I don't know how much time I can carve out for creative endeavors but I do know I need to force myself to begin them for my own sanity.

But, for now, laundry awaits... 


UK lass in US said...

This post could have been written by me - well, except for the highlights part... I finally got the sewing machine out to do some proper sewing last week and it felt good.

This week has been back to dr visits (the husband had an ambulance ride to the ER) and vet visits (the elderly dog isn't doing so well) and worries and money and lots at school and homesickness etc. I really want to make something, but instead I ought to be cleaning as my mother-in-law is coming into town soon and she's a neat freak... Still, at least the top of the fridge will get cleaned.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Oh Honey, I'm just so relieved you aren't going anywhere! I've been on the same wavelength. I feel so weighed down with 'stuff' even though it isn't necesaarily bad stuff, that even being creative starts to feel like a chore...and that makes no sense.
I'm glad you had a chance to get your creativity out and give it spin : )

Korana said...

I hear ya. I feel the same. Blog? When did I have time? Did anyone ever read it? It whined the least so was the easiest to ignore I guess:) Repressing creativity is like constipation of the soul I think.

Baby By The Sea said...

can't get up if you don't get down, and can't get up is you don't get away -- it's sort of my motto. the more me time i have, aside from laundry and bills and kid wrangling. hope you find time to create and get some 'me' time.. xoxo