Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It's My Birthday and I'll Post If I Want To


This has been a bumpy year, and especially summer, for me.  I could care less about 36.  It actually seems like a lovely number, but there are other things going on that are leaving me less than satisfied.  As usual, my desire to make a perfect decision or to carry out a perfect plan has left me a little....hmmm.... lost?  All of my children start school tomorrow.  Did you catch that?  ALL of them.  And, while much of me is singing the Hallelujah Chorus, a growing part is struggling with "what do I want to be when I grow up" and "how do I make some money because we are broke" and "how do I get both of those things to work within a schedule that doesn't wear out our family and turn me into an evil, exhausted nightmare who resents both her work at home and her money-making work and every person around her that possibly needs something from her?"  You know what?  I do not have an answer to that yet.  As I have had for years, I have some ideas.  The wheels are turning for some things and need to be put in motion for others.  I am afraid, which I know is bad but is the truth.  And mostly I worry that I will make the wrong choices and fail myself and my family.

But there IS something about a birthday.  And something about a new school year.  It just seems like a fresh start for me.  I love the fall for it's beauty here in the NE and for it's cooler weather.  I love the start of a new routine and, this year especially, I love that I will have some time to myself to actually have a coherent thought that is not interrupted for potentially 7 straight hours!!!  I have already started rearranging furniture and slowly cleaning things out.  I have a plan for what to do with my days for now while I remain unemployed, and for taking more pictures, and posting more here.  I have a plan in the works with my niece to start a crafty business of sorts and I hope you will all buy stuff from me so I don't have to sell my first born in order to take care of the other two ;-)  But mostly, I have a plan to TRY something.  I am choosing, at 36 to move forward into the unknown with faith.  I know that I have not fully let go of my fear or my worry, but I am choosing to try to enjoy the journey in spite of them.

I can do this.  This 36 thing.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm 

                                     you, plans to give you hope and a future.

                                                       Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in       

                                  the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.


Melissa Crowe said...

Firstly I must ask you, as my husband asks me almost every morning when I wake up, "Did you get prettier today?" I think you did. LOVE THE HAIR.

Happy Birthday.

Fear is not bad. It's normal. Remember that bravery is feeling afraid and doing stuff anyway. I truly believe that and must live by it in order to be happy.

I will buy your crafty things. I promise!

Nicole said...

Cheers for growing dreams! I'm so excited :)

Jen said...

Wow, can I relate to your feelings. I hope you find something you love to do, can make enough money at, and still fit around your family. It is a very complicated equation, but I'm glad you're going to try. I would rather be BRAVE and fail, than be too afraid to ever try anything new.

Happy Birthday my friend!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Yes you can! You are too darn cute not too: ) Love the hair! Hope you have a smashing good day today and peace, peace and quiet-to set you off on your fresh start! : )

Dana - Old Red Barn Co. said...

Girl! You are going to rock 36. You are going to find your way. And after awhile you will look back and smile at yourself. And realize that everything worked out just as it should.

I LOVE your hair!

megan bay said...

Miss you lovely lady! You sound brave and hopeful and I love it! I'm your biggest fan.

Baby By The Sea said...

Happy special day and welcome to the age of 36. It's ok. Celebrating half way to 70 was so much better. I've been catching up on your blog....xoxo

feather said...

Hey. boo. And happy birthday. And CUTE haircut! And...just hi!