It's My Birthday and I'll Post If I Want To

36.

This has been a bumpy year, and especially summer, for me.  I could care less about 36.  It actually seems like a lovely number, but there are other things going on that are leaving me less than satisfied.  As usual, my desire to make a perfect decision or to carry out a perfect plan has left me a little....hmmm.... lost?  All of my children start school tomorrow.  Did you catch that?  ALL of them.  And, while much of me is singing the Hallelujah Chorus, a growing part is struggling with "what do I want to be when I grow up" and "how do I make some money because we are broke" and "how do I get both of those things to work within a schedule that doesn't wear out our family and turn me into an evil, exhausted nightmare who resents both her work at home and her money-making work and every person around her that possibly needs something from her?"  You know what?  I do not have an answer to that yet.  As I have had for years, I have some ideas.  The wheels are turning for some things and need to be put in motion for others.  I am afraid, which I know is bad but is the truth.  And mostly I worry that I will make the wrong choices and fail myself and my family.

But there IS something about a birthday.  And something about a new school year.  It just seems like a fresh start for me.  I love the fall for it's beauty here in the NE and for it's cooler weather.  I love the start of a new routine and, this year especially, I love that I will have some time to myself to actually have a coherent thought that is not interrupted for potentially 7 straight hours!!!  I have already started rearranging furniture and slowly cleaning things out.  I have a plan for what to do with my days for now while I remain unemployed, and for taking more pictures, and posting more here.  I have a plan in the works with my niece to start a crafty business of sorts and I hope you will all buy stuff from me so I don't have to sell my first born in order to take care of the other two ;-)  But mostly, I have a plan to TRY something.  I am choosing, at 36 to move forward into the unknown with faith.  I know that I have not fully let go of my fear or my worry, but I am choosing to try to enjoy the journey in spite of them.

I can do this.  This 36 thing.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm 

                                     you, plans to give you hope and a future.

                                                       Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in       

                                  the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.