Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dear Diary ( *wink *wink)


Dear Diary,

I am unhappy with myself. Not in a 13 year old girl's "I have zits and no boobs and a big butt sort of way." More in a 33 year old's "I have zits and no boobs and a big butt sort of way." Kidding. I do have those things, but it isn't why I am self-disgruntled. Diary, I am totally unhappy with the way I do my job. Maybe the gray days are getting to me. Maybe the fact that I seem to be surrounded in gray and brown and blue even when the sun is shining is getting to me. Maybe I am feeling a bit of cabin fever, but the fact of the matter is that I am disorganized, undisciplined, and way more of a dreamer than a doer. I'd like to say that what I lack in orderliness, I make up for in spunk and determination and creativity. It just isn't true. I flounder through my days, some better than others, and at the end feel tired and dissatisfied. I am not a bad mother or a bad person, I am just a terrible homemaker.
I think I am back in 3rd grade. All the girls have formed a "we're on the ball" club, but I am not invited to join. There is a secret to getting in the club, but I don't know it and no matter how many passwords or handshakes I try, or no matter how many entrance essays I pen, something isn't quite right.

Or maybe I am a juggler. I think every mother is, so that makes sense. Only I can't keep my balls in the air. I think I spend all my time chasing the ones I've dropped, only to find the couple I thought I managed to keep going gone as well. Oh drat, I was SURE I could keep laundry and the kitchen spinning just fine in my left hand while I crawled about on the floor desperately trying to figure out where the "Kids Listening" ball went and how to pull the "Library Due Date" ball out from under the dirty fridge.

Perhaps I am a Postman. No, I think I am a
Tram.
I'm feeling rather funny and I don't know what I
am-*
(Oh, sorry. I get distracted. Odd how a person like me could feel topsy-turvy....)


The worst of it all, Diary, is that I am fully aware that very few people have this stuff together. I get that, but I STILL delude myself into thinking I am going to figure out how to be one of those people. Oh? What's that Diary? People who fall into this category tend not to have three strong willed, small children? They don't waste their time on the computer? They don't decide to start babysitting another child to make a few bucks?

HUMPH.

Where did I drop that "Happy Medium" ball?

SIGH.

Maybe I should look for the "Chill Out" ball instead.



*randomly quoting A.A.Milne's "Busy"

12 comments:

Artfulife said...

Feeling this way recently also. Hang in there :)

Sherrie said...

Okay first of all, it is winter and Thelma and I were just talking about our own feelings on these subjects. Without even little kids in the house anymore!
Second of all you are in need of finding that Girls day/night out ball...dust it off and plan it ASAP. The laughter will help immensely, my only recommendation is don't use it to try on clothes!
Love you Liss!

Melissa Crowe said...

I hear you, woman, and I have only have the one kid. And she's ten. Nearly eleven. What's my excuse? Oh, nothing more than the fact that I'm human, and still growing, and still figuring out what I want my life to look like. It wouldn't do to start being an excellent homemaker when any minute now I might decide I want to be an airline pilot. ;-)

Hang in there--soon there will be more light, inside and out.

Gray Matter said...

No, no, no, it's the Chill Out pill...trust me on this. Keep clickin'

Patty T said...

You have 3 kids, and, um, no one likes laundry and dishes. Give yourself a break! I just came to terms with the fact that I HATE laundry so expect to see a pile of clean clothes sitting around my house somewhere. I'd rather admit to not being perfect instead of trying to be! Wait til Spring is here and the sun is out! Once we can open the windows and get some fresh air we'll all be feeling better!

nicola@which name? said...

soooooooooooooooooo with you on the "kids not listening." did i tell you i bought a used copy of "how to talk so your kids will listen..." so far, all i have gathered is that yes, i know how i am supposed to talk so they will listen and talk, i am not doing it, and the way i am doing it will damage their self esteem for life.
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

Scented Sweetpeas said...

This post is great! You are normal :-) I think most partents of 3 children (I have 3 so know what you mean) have a problem keeping everything going without dropping a ball along the line. I so love having 3 children but am surprised how challenging it is to give them all the time they need whilst also keeping up with everthing else. Keep on juggling and if you drop a ball don't worry just pick it up again and carry on. Most people are like swans, we look all calm and organised on the outside but underneath we are paddling away like a steam engine :-)

beemahoney said...

you actually are very good at your job *)

Maisey's Attic said...

Hi - thanks for this post - I feel the same! I never feel on top of everything, - (I'm with you on library books!) and my children are 14 and 16. Some people put on a good 'show', but I think that's all it is - xx

Feather said...

ok...so i don't know how i missed this one. i'm with you--but not--but still. i can make a home like nobody's business. but i fail miserably at relationships. at least that's what my "dear diary" post would be about. how is it that i give all i have to others...i'm helpful, honest, dependable, loyal, empathetic, and so on...and i still find myself screwing up with the people i love. or thought i loved. or thought loved me. i've got some issues, too, my dear. we all do. but we must give ourself slack when it comes to the not-so-great qualities we possess. hopefully, the stellar qualities will override.
oh, we must chat again. darn that two-hour time difference! you're sipping wine now, and i'm *supposed* to be bathing children...

UK lass in US said...

I don't have the excuse of cabin fever, but you've described my life to a tee (well, I only have 2 kids. Darn - there goes another excuse).

Jaime said...

Lately God has impressed upon me that he will enable me to do what He has called me to do. He will not enable me to meet the expectations of my "perfect" neighbor or unreasonable expectations I put on myself...but He can help me love those around me today. :)

I love that I can drop into your blog and get caught up. Thinking of you.